For quite a few years people have asked me to start a blog or a website, I think this is because I speak with passion about what I believe in. Just as many people have asked me to shut up. Coming to think of it, maybe both groups were trying to send the same message with different words? Write this shit down man! Make a blog about it. People want to hear about it! But please, just shut the fuck up already. I can’t listen to this shit any longer!
Anyway, this is going to be it. The place where I share my views of what is going on around me, as well as about the battles inside me. Now you can decide if it is shit or not. Less stuff for me to judge. More free time for me to enjoy. Personally, I see quite a few advantages in blogging. For one, I’m getting it out of my system. Two, my brainfog wil not be clogging up your newsfeed anymore. It is save to follow me again on fb. You can come here when you like if you like, apart from that, I leave you in peace. Three, who knows, it might be recognisable to some and maybe even inspiring.
You know why I never did start a page earlier? I did not think I was interesting enough. I did not think I was saying something new. Everything I say has been said before, and better. If people want to know this shizzle, it is only a few Startpage (https://www.startpage.com/ They don’t store your search history like google does*) searches with an open mind away. A lot of the time at least.
*You know, google is a really evil company. That is why I only use a youtube channel, google translate, google maps and 3 gmail accounts. But i am not touching google search! That is for sheeple who are not aware how evil google is. Sheeple who can not understand how much intel google is gathering on them. But not me. My eyes are open!
But we are drifting off. A deeper reason for not doing this sooner was that I was living under the impression that everything is going to shit. And what does the world gain with another soul crying out how terrible it all is and how doomed we are and we are all going to die slow horrible deaths, again and again for the rest of eternity. Nobody wants to read that.
Don’t get me wrong, I still think it is all going to shit, but maybe just not quite as dramatic as that, and more important, I stopped caring. I stopped caring about all of it, and I mean that in the most loving way possible. Without any arrogance, or pretence. Or as little as possible at least. Baby steps, when it comes to arrogance, right?
You see, the thing is that I came to realise that I do not need to carry the weight of the planet on my shoulders as they say. I can also… just not give a fuck. Sounds pretty arrogant when put like this, but look at it this way. When I am carrying all that weight, or actually pretending to carry all that weight, because it is an imaginary backpack. There is nothing actually in there. There actually isn’t even a backpack at all. And not just that. It is not that there is no backpack to carry or nothing to put in it. I came to realise that I never really cared at all. I just pretended to care. I pretended to care so that I could make myself feel important.
So I am there carrying all that imaginary weight around, feeling all shit about all this weight on my shoulders and angry at the world for making me carry it all by myself, not wanting to start anything because it is all gonna go to shit anyway. Why would I build something when the illuminati are going to bomb it all in a few years time? Why do the dishes if they just gonna get dirty again anyway? Figure of speech of course, but that sort of thinking…
But what really going on at that point? Is it the illuminati that are the problem, or the stories that I am telling myself the real issue?
Am I really being altuisticaly warning humanity for a coming threat and actively looking for a solution to save us all? Hypothetically speaking that is. Do I have such a big heart that I feel the pain of all of humanity suffering inside of me? Has empathy just reached new hights? Fuck no! It is my own ass I am worried about!
Have you ever noticed that when a town in Bagdad gets bombed it somehow feels less bad as when your best friend falls down the stairs and breaks his/her arm. Why is that? A whole town vaporised. Your best friend broke his/her arm. Arm seems worse.
How can a broken arm feel worse than 300 humans blown to pieces? Well you see the thing is, now that my friend’s arm is broken, he is gonna be in the plaster for six weeks. After that he’s got physiotherapy for another six months so he won’t be able to play badminton with me for the rest of this year. I could go play with my other friend, but actually he is a dick and nags more than he plays ball, so I would rather not.
You see that is why a broken arm can be worse than 300 people bombed. Because it affects me. Those 300 near Baghdad, that doesn’t affect my game as badly. At least not yet. What I mean is that the honest answer is that I don’t care that much if the illuminati or whoever is suppressing people. I just don’t want then to oppress me or places where i want to go. If they would promise to stay in Afghanistan for example and bitch only on the Afghanistannians,… I could be inclined to say: Sorry guys… Euhm… Take one for the team,ok? You are all heroes!!! Cheers for that. I’ll buy you a mint tea in the bar if you ever make it here. You know, to make it even… Level shit out…
And then I would just not travel to Afghanistan this lifetime. Maybe next time, when things have settled down a bit over there.
Some of you might think now that you are better than me. You don’t think this way! You would gladly give up playing badminton for the rest of the year to save a village close to Baghdad. When put that way, I think most of us would. But does that really make you a better person? Or are you too telling yourself a story to lift yourself up? Make yourself feel g
You know? Steve broke his arm, and I can’t play badminton with him for the rest of this year but you know what. It’s ok. UN just bombed a village next to Baghdad. They can probably not play badminton for at least a decade or so. So I am not going to whine about it because I am above that! Pete might whine about that, but he is a little shit. I am way above Pete. I am a man! Pete is a wimp. And he plays badminton for shit.
Those of you who know me, know that I don’t play badminton and my best friend has intact limbs, and those who know Pete, know that he is actually a really cool chap, but I think you get the point. What I mean is that I have told people that I love them. While I really should have said: I really love how you make me feel about myself. Or I really love playing with your boobs. Or i really love eating your cooking. I really loved whatever way you served me but it was the pleasuring of me ego that i loved. Not you as a being with a Soul.
If I am really honest, I must admit that when it comes down to it, it is all about me me me. Just as for you, it’s all about you you you.
Sorry, I apologize for assuming things about you. If it turns out that you are the manifestation of altruism and you have no ego, but somehow you feel deeply offended that I assumed you weren’t totally that, then I will do everything in my power to restore that perfect image of you. Please spare me your wrath until I do so. I do hope you see the irony if this would be the case.
So from this perspective, it is not that arrogant to say that I don’t give a shit. It is just honest. I do not give a shit and i never have. And i think you don’t either. I think you too just care about making your ass feel good. I am not saying that is a bad thing. But it is what it is. How can honesty be arrogant? Truth just is. No adjectives… No such thing like good truth or bad truth. It does not exist. Only truth
Actually instead, it is the opposite that is quite fucking arrogant. It would be very arrogant to pull myself up by putting others down wouldn’t it? Something along the lines of: Yeah, I have a computer and a smartphone, but at least my belt is made from recycled pineapple. You had animals killed to keep your trousers up. How could you? At least I am only supporting 14 year old girls jumping of Apple buildings in China. You are doing that AND you have animals killed to keep your pants up? You are a fucking animal, living in the margin of society. Get from under my eyes, you beast! Wouldn’t that kind of thinking make me kind of a dick?
You see, we might fool ourselves with our altruistic stories about our beautiful personalities. But if I am honest to myself, when I do something for somebody else. It is because I am getting something back for it. Could be a favour for a favour or it could be just because it makes me feel good about myself. It could be so i would not feel like user, but it would always be because there is an advantage in it for myself.
It might sound hard but if you die, and I can continue living, then I will. That is just a simple stone cold fact and denying it would be lying. You can decide what is true for you, but that is what it feels like to me. That does not mean that I want you to die. But if I had to choose, I would have to feel pretty freaking brave that day for not to choose you and I think that works in two directions.
So can we stop fooling ourselves? Can we just say it as it is now? Because once we do that, name the things for what they really are, then we can understand them better and once we understand them better, then we can then chose if the things still serve us or not and stop doing the shit that doesn’t. Not one problem has ever been fixed by denying it was there, by pretending it was not real, by hoping it would go away, by sugar coating it, or by addressing a different issue. It is just not possible. In order to address an issue, you first need to know what the issue is. If you need heart surgery, and the doc removes your appendix, I can imagine you want to want to have a little chat with him afterwards and say to him: Listen, I thought you understood that my issue was my heart, and not my appendix. Da fuk doc? You high or what?
So if I am honest with myself, I must admit that I care mostly about… Myself. And what is it that makes me feel good about myself?
Well, turns out quite a few things do. I feel good when I am around other people who feel good. Happiness seems to be just as contagious as courage is. And now I am thinking that maybe it works in both directions…
I feel good when spending time with my dog. So beautiful to see his confidence grow. The guy did not start out great. Did not meet the nicest humans to start with but he is not bitching about it. He is growing into a great personality.
I feel good when I am exploring the frontiers of my consciousness. Or when I am looking for them. Maybe there are none. So let’s not limit our options.
I feel good after a day of gardening. Have you ever seen a seed sprout? There are seeds that are so small that you can hardly see them, but put some water on them and they break open. Some of what is in it goes down and becomes the roots. Some goes up and becomes a strawberry. Essentially what happens is that what was in that wee seed started to turn dirt into life. An organic into organic. How fucking magick is that??? Death into life, right in front of my eyes… And have you tasted it? Have you ever tasted something you grew yourself? Tastes so much better than shop stuff. It could of course all be just in the mind, or maybe it is because it tastes like freedom? Freedom is what feeds my soul.
What makes your Soul feel alive?